The Caring Counselor

Not sure if this post is more of a vent session, but what happened to people coming to you directly in order to resolve conflict? I noticed an increase in individuals either holding back, going above my head, or going behind my back when it came to resolution. I experienced three separate incidents in the last two weeks that escalated for no reason when it could have been simply fixed with a conversation between the person and myself.

For anyone who knows me, they know how much appreciate direct, honest feedback and constructive criticism. In many of my initial meetings with new clients, students, or colleagues, I open up about how important honesty and communication are to me. Two of my three primary expectations are “be honest” and “communicate with me.”

I honestly do not know where these principles got lost in our society. I am unsure if it is due to the zeitgeist, the increase of technology, or an increase in societal stupidity. I do know a lot of people are genuinely afraid of confrontation for a variety of reasons (including abuse, loved ones being overly critical, etc.). I also totally understand that not every recipient of direct communication responds accordingly. Again, this could be a result of trauma, conditioned responses, defensiveness, etc. However, engaging in direct communication greatly increases the chances of successful outcomes.

• Opportunity for clarification. Putting everything out on the table allows for the other parties to examine your perspective. It grants them a chance to ask clarifying questions and help both sides understand where the other is coming from.
• Reduced chance of misinterpretation. A by-product of perspective taking also means less of a chance that the other side can misconstrue the content. Being direct helps both sides be on the same page and keeps the conversation aligned.
• Practice assertive communication. Among the four primary communication styles, assertive communication acts the golden mean. These conversations provide a chance to practice these skills.
• Builds trust. Especially in Western culture, indirect communication is perceived as distrustful and suspicious. Being open shows that you are confident and that the other party can see you as trustworthy.
• Authenticity and genuineness. Be vulnerable damnit. Allow yourself to stand up for what you value and be yourself. If something is bothering you or goes against what you believe, put it out there. Even if the other side does not wholeheartedly agree, at least they can respect that you said what needed to be said. You also now gave authentic self the chance to shine through.

I will admit that there are times that indirect communication is necessary and the better option. Like I said, some people can be difficult no matter what. Sometimes, it is just not worth the time and energy, and it is easier just to let it slide. However, it needs to be done so with discretion.

If the occasion calls for it, be direct. Let’s get to the point.

-The Caring Counselor

For more information:

The impact of direct and indirect communication. (n.d.). https://conflictmanagement.org.uiowa.edu/sites/conflictmanagement.org.uiowa.edu/files/2020-01/Direct%20and%20Indirect%20Communication.pdf

Selby. (2023, August 19). Pros and cons: Direct communication vs indirect communication. Everyday Speech. https://everydayspeech.com/sel-implementation/pros-and-cons-direct-communication-vs-indirect-communication/#:~:text=Direct%20communication%20is%20characterized%20by,promotes%20authenticity%20in%20our%20interactions.