The Caring Counselor

Regularly, my clients feel “stuck.” They make progress on whatever goals they set forth. They push and push. Eventually, the goal is met, and stability replaces the chaos. However, this stability often brings its own anxiety.

When someone is accustomed to chaos and always awaiting the next bad thing, it becomes difficult to stay calm. You are constantly in fight-or-flight mode. In your mind, the next threat lurks around the corner.

This conversation has come up a few times in the last week or two. My clients describe this underlying anxiety even though everything is absolutely fine. No need to panic. No need to feel threatened. No present danger. All because of a conditioned response.

Specifically, one client I see has a long history of external validation, codependence, and ever-present chaos. When I first met him, he was getting divorced, sleeping in a RV some nights, driving an hour to his brother’s other nights, and fighting daily depression. There were no moments to relax. Over the last two years, he developed regular habits to regulate his emotions and took more practical steps with saving money to get his own apartment. For the first time ever, he can feel independent and stable.

So our conversations the last few weeks have been surrounding “what’s next?” He mentioned things like furthering his education, eating healthier, and being more active. This past week though he made one of the strongest insights I have ever heard from a client. He literally told me, “I want to learn how to enjoy the calm.”

He was absolutely right. How the hell could he focus on the future when he hasn’t even learned to be present? That really put his journey in perspective for both of us. He can work on being in the moment. By doing so, it will allow him to challenge this insecure anxiety he feels. Although he has done great work on the surface, he still possesses this core belief that he “isn’t enough” or “isn’t doing enough.” By being present, he can collect evidence to challenge these notions. This will build a secure inner foundation for when he decides to move forward to his other goals.

It even reminded me of my own journey ten years ago following my own four-day inpatient stay. Without that internal security, I could’ve easily fallen right back into my old patterns. Because when times get tough, my foundation would’ve crumbled. With reinforcement though, that shell is much harder to crack.

Thank you, Mr. Client for the much needed reminder.

-The Caring Counselor